Controlled Chaos

The easy of this Lent is to say that I have decided to not eat meat this Lent, Monday-Saturday. There is a deeper explanation to it though. (Also, some exemptions: Most notably Tyler's birthday.) The deep: I am a perfectionist. I let this tendency dictate a lot of how I operate. This makes me fearful and it makes me unwilling to take chances. In eating meat-less and thus having to cook Monday-Saturday, I will practice failure. I am not perfect and never will be. I am not a very good cook. At least, I am not of the caliber of Tyler. I never will be. Since this is the area of my life that has the most failure, I am going to practice failure. The menu for the week: Monday- Didn't happen. That's okay, we went salsa dancing and needed something quick. Tuesday- Red beans and rice with greens. Wednesday- Chickpea Casserole Thursday- Concert. We will need to go out and eat something. Friday- Tyler's birthday! Tango Sur! Beef! Doesn't count! Saturday- Rapini with...

I am about a month into keeping a Sabbath. The only rule that I have stuck with has been no school work on Sundays. I had told myself no facebook, computer stuff or TV watching (all which I have violated). I have begun to loosely translate my Sabbath as doing things that I want to do; not what must get done or I feel obligated to do. If I want to sit on my butt all day, so be it. If I want to accomplish many things around the apartment, so be it. I have also told myself to write on Sabbath days. To sit back and reflect/comment on life. Not just go through the motions of life, but to stop and think about what is going on in those motions. That is where the title of stress/time management has come in. I don't feel well. I don't feel exactly sick, but I don't feel 100%. Physically I am exhausted, feel run-down and have a nagging sore throat. Emotionally/Mentally I feel overwhelmed, unsuccessful and incapable of turning this around. Which is odd, because just a couple of we...

Things are going to get personal, y'all. When my family comes up in conversation, I have a way of introducing them to strangers. I have a saying, "They put the fun in dysfunctional." It isn't always fun to be a part of my family. We aren't very good communicators, we avoid conflict like the plague, many of the women are controlling and manipulative and we hold grudges. I saw a therapist in college, because it was free and I recognized that I didn't want to bring my dysfunction into other relationships. I am most grateful to the therapist for two things: 1) She didn't allow me to blame people and 2) She taught me how to deal with my emotions. When I find myself ______________(insert emotion), I ask myself two questions: What am I feeling? What do I want? It doesn't sound life-changing, but it was to me. I had never learned how to process my emotions, they were always buried, repressed and "Carlsons don't talk about that stuff."...

I know what I want my life to look like, but I don't know how to make it happen. I want it to look like a Pottery Barn catalog.  Something that is a character flaw of mine, is that if I don't get something right the first time, I have a hard time wanting to keep trying. But life takes persistence. It is a very daunting idea to keep attempting to do what I want to do over and over again with the history of failure at my previous attempts. How does one truly acquire the "try, try, try again" tenacity for life? I am happy and extremely blessed by the life that I have. I do need to stop all of my bitching about desiring Real Simple and Pottery Barn to be my life because that makes it so that I diminish what is good about the here and now.  Perhaps as part of giving up on complaining is to focus on being grateful.  Grateful list for the day:  1. Oatmeal and lazy Saturday mornings.  2. Sunny neighborhood.  3. Great church home.  Now to enjoy sunny, hop...

While cleaning in the kitchen today, I came to the realization that cleaning gives me a sense of control. This realization caused me to figure out why I love Real Simple so much. They offer solutions for how to gain control of everything. I would weigh less, be prettier while living in an organized, creative and beautiful house if I followed Real Simple's simple suggestions on how to make dinner in 30 minutes, exercise in 15 minutes and have my makeup on in 5 minutes. Geez, I could accomplish those three things in under a hour.  But I don't have my life that put together. I don't know anyone who has that. It is a lie, but a beautiful one that part of me gets excited about typing the fact that those three things could be done under 1 hour.  I have always been perplexed by control. Sunday school taught me to feel guilty over wanting control, that we are to deny ourselves and take up the cross. That we are to wait on God's timing and His plan, we are to submit to His wi...

I don't want to do a damn thing. It is a Monday evening, an end of a long day. A long day that is the beginning of a long week. Sometimes I question if I am cut out to be a teacher. It is exhausting. I have decided that for my sanity that I need to do nothing. I need to do things that remind me that I am something else besides a teacher. Careers are overrated. Just saying. When I decided that I should write tonight, I felt like I had a lot to say. Perhaps it was simply that I am taking a stand for my sanity. That has to be a positive. Things I am grateful for today: 1. Basil being excited to see me when I came home. 2. Amazing CTA karma this morning. 3. Supportive administration. 4. The sound of Tyler's voice. I will not give up hope on myself. Life gets done one way or another, so I am going to continue to learn to accept how I go about doing life.

I was doing alright on writing during Lent, I need to find my focus on it. What is the value of writing for me? It gets my thoughts outside of my body. Is that valuable enough for me to invest time into it? Yes. I am a person who things bottle up inside of. It isn't until I am at a boiling over point, that my internal issues get expressed. Writing consistently would help me to decompress more regularly, and perhaps diminish the need to run over. I have found in my life, both personal and professional, there are things that I know and then there are the things that I practice. There is a disconnect between the theory/ideas of my life and the actions of my life. It frustrates me. It frustrates me because I feel like a failure because I do not have stuff figured out. I don't like feeling frustrated. I don't like feeling like a failure. Perhaps I am too black and white with my outlook on myself. Just because something wasn't executed perfectly, doesn't make it...

Life has been business as usual Post-Easter. I am not sure if that is comforting or alarming. I am still obsessed/guilt-driven about not being productive. I don't want to move so fast. I don't want to have so much responsibility. But at the same time I don't know if I would know how to function without responsibility and life going crazy. I feel so weird, because I am constantly conflicted about this. Slow down, but do lots. How can I just be? How can I let myself be at peace with "que sera, sera"? I need to figure out this grown-up stuff. I have a lot of time to figure it out, but I don't necessarily like feeling that I suck at it.

It is Easter, but I am uneasy. Holy Week was wonderful, don't get me wrong. The experiences that have had the most significance for me was the watch in the garden and the stations of the cross. It could be because this was the first year I have ever done these two things, but it gave me a new way of experience the Passion. I am uneasy because of going back to work. I am uneasy because I didn't quite accomplish all that was on my To-Do list. But life does go on, I am not dwelling so much on the fact that it didn't get accomplished. I am realizing more and more that life can seem like one big, never-ending to-do list. That is where the dread of going to work tomorrow comes from. Because I do not get to sleep in to 11 am and ignore the mountains of paper work. It must be faced. And new things will be added. Because that is what happens. A part of me wishes for one more week. I like being a bum. One thing I learned in Mexico, was the importance of being present. That wh...

I have been thinking about guilt lately. I have been doing some reading about it tonight on explorefaith.org. This is a website with some very interesting things on it about faith. The quote I want to use in this post comes from an article about letting go: — Less guilt . You will become more sensitive to the difference between meaningful guilt (a failure to be true to your best self that invites change) and senseless guilt (a feeling of inadequacy based on the opinions and expectations of others.) The words   ought , should ,   must , and   supposed to   will virtually disappear from your vocabulary—replaced by   I will, I choose, and I want. This small paragraph confirms for me what I was beginning to think about guilt. Guilt is not inherently bad/negative, it is a human emotion like any other. The line, "meaningful guilt (a failure to be true to your best self) and senseless guilt (a feeling of inadequacy based on the opinions and expectations of other...

Well, it is Holy Week. If you count the number of posts and compare it with the number of days in Lent, I don't think that they would match up. I did however discover my Lent lesson. I don't know if this blog contributed greatly to this lesson, but I do know that when this lesson's "aha" moment went off in my head, I told myself to write about it here. I told myself to keep thinking about it and write about. I told myself to consider the spiritual soul part of me longer than Sunday morning. That my friends, is an epiphany of my current life. I am so caught up in my job that I have neglected the other aspects of me. Is that the Lent lesson? No. The one that hit me the other day was in connection with the sermon from Sunday. The sermon's main message was the fact that we have to choose. Do we choose Christ or do we choose the ways of man? In this message, I discovered that in my quest for not complaining I need to choose love. That in choosing to love the pe...

Does anyone else feel that they must be productive all the time? Why do we get this way? Why do I get this way? Why am I this way? The human condition does not require constant productivity. I feel ridiculously guilty over the fact that I am not productive nearly enough. It becomes this endless cycle of guilt, not doing, guilt, not doing. Who cares if I am not doing something productive all the time? There isn't a productivity police around. I desire to find the joy in life. I am a constant worrier. That zaps joy real quick. I have found that I need to be constantly telling myself to trust me. That I have made intelligent choices for the course of action I am undertaking. How does one go about combating worry and self-doubt? How can one simply be?

"She cook, she clean, never smell like onion rings." (If you don't know the song, look it up on youtube. Independent by Webbie. Classic.) Is it possible to be too independent? I believe that my independence/stubbornness is my nature. I have done what I want since the day I was born. Ask my parents, as an infant I decided when I went to bed. I did not sleep unless I wanted to since day 1. I have been very proud of the fact that I am independent. It has gotten me places, and I hope that it continues to get me places. I have also had events in my nurture that caused me to believe it was better to go at it alone, instead of trusting. So I have both nature/nurture that have either taught me to be or enforced for me to be independent. What do I do with this independence when it at times brings frustration for both relationships here on Earth and the idea of dependence on (faith in) a being I can not see/touch or exert any sort of influence over? Perhaps I can channe...

I am beginning to believe that in life it is more gray than black and white. Life is a series of picking directions and making the most of them. You end up with no regrets because you don't look back, just keep looking forward. I am beginning to believe that a person must trust themselves on their judgement as a part of growing up. That being a grown-up involves having faith in your decisions. That you know what you are doing and that you act in good faith that you are doing the "right" thing. I am doubting that "right" things exist. It is more of I am doing the thing that seems best, the thing that is the most logical, the thing that makes me the happiest, the thing that is the easiest, the thing that everyone else wants me to do, the thing that feels right. If we are correct in the Christian faith that we only get one go at mortal life, my response to the self-doubting inner question, "Am I doing the right thing?" is: I do what I want to do. ...

The time change has messed me up. I have a very strong internal clock. This is still true even though I am late to everything. I have decided that I need to go with Newton's law of the "object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon". This is the Newton's law that I am going to attempt to live this week and see how it goes for life. When I was a child, my favorite book was the Little Engine That Could . I don't know if  I loved it for the story itself or for the message that determination paid off. My Grandma was always trying to convince me that my stubbornness was a bad thing. That I needed to stop being stubborn. I feel as though this story shows that if you put your mind to a task, you can accomplish it. I think about how this works in relation to faith. We are called to give up control and trust in a Power that we can simply put faith in that exists. But the "I think I can, I think I can" American, pull-yourself-up-by-your-boot-straps is c...

I have felt as though that if  my goal for Lent is to not complain, I need to change the tone of this blog. I may not be directly complaining, but I have used this for getting the non-positives of life off my chest. Which has been beneficial to me, but I should also report the simple joys I have from life as well. Simple things from this past week that have left me feeling blessed: 1) Given a genuine compliment from a student that meant a ton to me. It seriously made my week as a teacher. 2) Organizing my desk at work. Feeling as though I am getting on top of stuff at school. 3) Allowing myself to enjoy being home with Tyler on Thursday evening. It was fun to sit on the couch and eat pizza and watch TV. It is great to simply hang out. 4) Sunshine. 5) Playing with Basil. Tyler is my inspiration for taking life as it comes. He doesn't get worked up about things, either in anticipation or worry. I am a constant worrier, but I am getting better. I am working on not letting th...

I have a tool in my classroom that helps students through the steps of conflict resolution. I have seen where it has helped students work through their own issues, and I don't have to get involved in every petty argument. It has been really great. I am anticipating a conflict tomorrow between myself and my two 5th grade team mates. They don't want something, and I do. I have a feeling that I am going to get my way 1) because the principal and I are on the same page about the topic and 2) the principal likes me, and doesn't like them. I have been thinking it over in my head about the situation. I can concede and go along with my team mate's idea in order to keep the peace on the 5th grade team. I can fight and get it my way in order that I get the situation resolved in the manner that I think is best. There is the potential for conflict with option B, which I don't care for, but I believe that option B is the best for the students and ultimately for us teachers. ...

This is not about fig newtons. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble. Newton has a law about motion. Two laws actually. An object in motion will continue in motion until acted upon.  An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon. I am that object. Once I come home and I stop moving, I'll be damned if I start moving again. I want to collapse most days after work. Me + sweat pants = night on the couch. I don't accomplish anything typically. Be that make dinner, clean apartment or school work. I have no motivation. I don't know if it is that I have no strength, it is that I have no motivation. Tonight was a bit different. When I got home, Tyler and I went and did laundry. We made dinner together afterwards. It was an evening of motion, yet was relaxing at the same time. Even though I have not done my school work that I brought home, nor do I have the intention of doing this school work, I still feel as though I have been productive. I do feel that when I hit my be...

Today the high is suppose to be 48 degrees according to my computer. I want so badly for that to be true. I am attributing my lack of zeal for life to the change in seasons. I am both anxious and excited for spring. Spring means that it is almost summer, almost done with school. Spring also makes me nervous about all that didn't get done in the 9 months that I had these 30 students. I always wonder what my students will remember about 5th grade. Will it be a positive or negative memory? Change makes me anxious. Even though that this change in seasons is completely out of my control and something that I anticipate and love. Flowers, sunshine, green things, growth, newness. That is what spring represents for me. There is a possibility for a new chapter in the lives of Tyler and Kelli. (Spoiler alert: It has nothing to do with my uterus, all to do with Tyler's career path.) Tyler keeps telling me to not get my hopes up, that I need to remain in the moment, the here and now. ...

It is a major accomplishment when dishes get done after dinner in the Sampson household. Tyler and I are not always the most clean people. We are not gross dirty people, but cleaning is not always a priority to us. It is one of those things in life that must get done, even if we don't want to do it. The other day, I did as the spirit led. I did not accomplish my school work. None. Zip. I have been having a difficult time finding the motivation for my job, which in effect affects everything else in my life. I wonder if it is me, that I simply need to grow up, and do the stuff I have to do simply because they must get done. Be that housework or homework. Where does my motivation for this need to come from? Intrinsic or Extrinsic? Does it matter? So if I get my school work done, can I justify a manicure? I deserve it. Or do I bank on the inner self-pride that I get from accomplishing a task? I feel like this is part of becoming an adult. Of learning how to graciously suck-it u...