Controlled Chaos

Life has been business as usual Post-Easter. I am not sure if that is comforting or alarming. I am still obsessed/guilt-driven about not being productive. I don't want to move so fast. I don't want to have so much responsibility. But at the same time I don't know if I would know how to function without responsibility and life going crazy. I feel so weird, because I am constantly conflicted about this. Slow down, but do lots. How can I just be? How can I let myself be at peace with "que sera, sera"? I need to figure out this grown-up stuff. I have a lot of time to figure it out, but I don't necessarily like feeling that I suck at it.

It is Easter, but I am uneasy. Holy Week was wonderful, don't get me wrong. The experiences that have had the most significance for me was the watch in the garden and the stations of the cross. It could be because this was the first year I have ever done these two things, but it gave me a new way of experience the Passion. I am uneasy because of going back to work. I am uneasy because I didn't quite accomplish all that was on my To-Do list. But life does go on, I am not dwelling so much on the fact that it didn't get accomplished. I am realizing more and more that life can seem like one big, never-ending to-do list. That is where the dread of going to work tomorrow comes from. Because I do not get to sleep in to 11 am and ignore the mountains of paper work. It must be faced. And new things will be added. Because that is what happens. A part of me wishes for one more week. I like being a bum. One thing I learned in Mexico, was the importance of being present. That wh...